Today I grabbed some sushi and headed over to Nick’s house to check everything out. He had left the key in his football cleats which were located in his unlocked garage.
I guess it started off innocently enough. But then I got nosy and found his journal from Australia which was completely irresistable. I couldn’t put it down. I thought I had know him well enough but after reading that I found out he struggles with himself quite a bit. There is a huge sense of inadequacy. I wonder if that still plays a role in his dealings with me. Perhaps this is why we have not made any strides towards marriage. Maybe he still doesn’t feel good enough.
Oddly enough, the journal’s last entry was made November 4th - about a week before my miscarriage. I wish he had continued. I would’ve loved to know what was going thru his head.
As long as we’ve been together and as much as I love him, there are parts about him that I wish I could figure out, come to terms with and accept. He is still very much a stranger to me.
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